I often recieve e-mails from people that like to send random jokes to everyone on their friends list. I though I would share some of them here at Tech Tips R Us for everyone to read.
Some of these joke may be concidered offensive to some, so try to keep in mind they are just jokes.
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.' I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Smith?
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***in number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an @sshole!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an @sshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '@sshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm
calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an @sshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first @sshole (I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW @sshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at blah, blah, in blah, blah . It's a yellow rancher, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an @sshole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two @ssholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called @sshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an @sshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, '@sshole, I live at , in I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm
really scared, @sshole, and hung up.
Then I called @sshole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, @sshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your @ss,'
I answered, 'Well, @sshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in blah, blah,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd in ...
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Oaktree Blvd .
I got there just in time to watch two @ssholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars,
an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by
a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really does work.
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The Barber and the Kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
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Body Found In Salt River
Champaign County Sheriffs Department reports finding a man's body in the Salt Fork river just west of the Kelly's Tavern Historical Site Bridge.
The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned after consuming an excessive amount of alcohol.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt with matching bra, and an Obama T-shirt.
The deputy removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
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Summer Classes for Women at The Adult Learning Center
Note: Due to the complexity and diffuiculty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations...
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
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THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
1. THE COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
ON COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their
stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11-20 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
ON THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq, why don't we just
give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for
over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a court-house is
....
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery",
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
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Subject: country funeral
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a Grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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